Exposed

The only thing I can say good about today is that I didn't physically abuse the children.

I have not been my typical chipper, sure-you-guys-can-see-who-can-jump-farthest-from-the-top-of-the-stairs, I-don't-mind-that-you-just-used-marker-on-the-newly-painted-kitchen-wall self.

I am tense and preoccupied and my kitchen is still being remodeled.

There is something about my kitchen in disarray that dictates the mood over the rest of the house.  Because while we're working this remodel, dust is everywhere, in every room.  And half my pots and pans are scattered throughout the main floor.  All the doors are off of my cabinets which is similar to walking around in your underwear.  You feel a little....exposed.   And I don't even want to think about the Yahoos' bathroom since it has been, ah-hem, neglected for quite some time.

My kitchen is certainly the hub of our home.  I'm sure it is for you as well.  It is where we dance and twirl and hide and seek and fingerpaint.  It houses the door that we measure the Yahoos' growth on.  It's the room where we kiss The Honey goodbye as he leaves for work.  It's where we gather together in prayer a few times a day. It's where I prepare the meals for these hungry souls needing to be fed.

The kitchen is the heartbeat and soul to the home we are building.  And when it is cluttered and messy and broken, the rest of the house seems to fall apart.

And so it is with me these days.  Because lots of things about my attitude and thoughts seem to be in shambles.  I feel disconnected from the Yahoos and impatient with The Honey and selfish about my free time.  My words are short and sharp.  And my discipline has been rooted more in me being inconvenienced that in teaching them the gospel.

I could make a list, a good long list, of all the circumstances surrounding me that promote my stinky attitude.  And it would be a compelling argument.  Infact, I have argued the case to myself many times.  When I start to feel the least bit ashamed of the glares I've been glaring or the sighs I've been sighing I begin to rationalize, justifying myself.

But a lie is a lie.  And if my Yahoos tried to feed me that load of malarky I probably would make them write 'Do everything without complaining and arguing' 25 times. 

Nope, my bad behavior has nothing to do with my circumstances.  It never does.  But it does have everything to do with my heart.  And like the Yahoos' bathroom, I have been paying very little attention to it.

Because I haven't been feeding my own hungry soul like I should.  And if we were to measure my spiritual growth lately I am sure it would show a steady decline.  I'm not gathering in prayer around a fellowship table or dancing and twirling for joy at all the wonderful things I should be thankful for.

And I do  have so much to be thankful.  Like when I get all stupid and forget my First Love so he allows me to stay all miserable until I wise up and realize my need for Him.  Or the sweet release of burdens lifted when I confess how stupid I am.  Or simply for being loved with a never ending, never giving up, unstopable Love despite my never ending, never wising up stupidness.

So just like my kitchen, apparantly I have some clean up work to do on my heart this week. 

Let's get to work.

And I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you. I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.

Ezekiel 36:26