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Monday, February 2, 2015

Neverland

The other night I was tucking the kids into bed.  When I managed to make it to Sweet Yahoo's room, I sat with her for a while to talk.  Believe it or not the two of us don't get much time to have a full on conversation with these boys around.  So bedtime is good for both our souls.

She began to share with me a recurring fear she was having based on a bad dream she had had a few weeks prior.  This came as no surprise to me.  Sweet Yahoo's thorn in the flesh is fear.  It loves to run wild through the moments of her life.  Her decisions seem to be defined by the loudest voice yelling 'But What If!'

Not unlike most kids her age, she is becoming increasingly aware of the finality of this life.  She had had a bad dream about one or all of us dying or something to that effect.   And at night, when no one was around, she had time to ponder the 'What ifs....'

I consoled her and loved her and spoke some truth to her.  God's truth.






He will sing over us and quite us with his love...

His love is everlasting to everlasting..

He will never leave us nor forsake us.

                                             He has overcome the world.

                                                   he is our Cleft in the rock

                 our strong Refuge

Our Rescuer.

And she felt better.  His Love is the only miracle drug for the crippling cancer of fear.

A kiss on the forehead and I was off to tuck the First Born in.

I can't put into words....can't rightly relay....what's going on in the life of this boy.  He is growing up.  I can almost see it happening.  I can feel him yearning to break out of this 'little boy' life he has been living and go on to newer, better things.  And I can see that he is making huge strides into becoming a man.  He is learning to listen better and that his words carry weight.  He is learning to see the world from other's point of view and to have compassion on the weak.   It is a genuine blessing to me.  Because if you have been following our life over the past 12 years you will know that I didn't always have the assurance we would get to this place.




This one has been the one that has kept me humble and on my knees. There were so many days that seemed hopeless. I thought he just wouldn't get it. That his heart was harder than the beatings discipline I could administer.  That the admonishments and warnings and encouragements to obey were being sucked into a vacuum, unable to reach him.

But God is faithful.  And His Word will not return void.

As I turned the corner to enter his room with his 97 books blanketing his bed and Luke Bryan (eye roll) cranking on the radio, he looked so grown up.  So I should have seen it coming.  That boulder coming out of his mouth that was going to crush me.

"When I turn 12, can you stop tucking me in?"


That's shock and awe right there, folks.

The look on my face must have surprised him as much as the request he had just made was to me.  He immediately said 'never mind' and that he 'didn't mean it'.  But it was too late.  My Peter Pan had done gone and turned in his key Neverland.

You know that fear I was so proud to crush down back in Sweet Yahoo's room?  Apparently it's contagious.

The final pages on this season of life are being written for me.    I don't fix her hair much anymore, I don't pick out their clothes.  They make their own poptarts and ramen noodles and have their own inside jokes.  My time is a little more my own.  All the things I thought I wanted 5 years ago.

 And that leaves me quite fearful.

These sweet kids of mine are growing up at exponentially fast speeds.  And it forces me to stare reality in the face and come to terms with the fact that I am not in control.  I fooled myself for years thinking I was.  That just because I told them what they were going to eat and fastened them in their car seats myself that I somehow had some control over them.  But now I know differently.  And so my own battle with the 'What Ifs' begins.

                                                                                            
What if they reject all we've been trying to teach them?
  
What if she runs off and marries a Democrat?

What if she runs off and marries a preacher?

What if he becomes a preacher?

What if he becomes incarcerated?

What if they do drugs?

What if I'm a grandmother in a few years?

What if Baby never learns to read?

What if they're not close when they grow up?

What if he doesn't get to play sports much longer?

What if they get exposed to porn?
                                        
What if they make porn?

What if they screw up?

What if I'm the one screwing them up?

I was proud of myself, though.   I held it together just long enough to make it to my bathroom.  I could feel the fear ball up in my throat as the tears streamed down my face.  And there, as I sat on the side of the bathtub, my Heavenly Father spoke some truth to me...



I will sing over you and quite you with my love...

My love is everlasting to everlasting..


I will never leave you nor forsake you.

                                                 I have overcome the world.

                                                   I am your Cleft in the rock

                 your strong Refuge

Your Rescuer.


Those words.  God's own version of shock and awe.  His love causes that fear to unleash its grip on my timid heart.  He chases the 'What Ifs' away and replaces it with whispers of hope and joy.  

I am thankful that just because I am facing these last days of this season of life, it doesn't mean that the story is finished.  That there are abundant days ahead for me and my children.  That the Author and Finisher of our lives has his own Neverland waiting for us.  It is the place where the What Ifs go to die.






Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
Psalm 31:25