And he loves it. And I love it for him that he loves it. He comes home tired and satisfied and ready to do it all over again tomorrow.
But when he comes home, it is midnight and I'm asleep. Which leaves me somewhat lonely.
Loving through loneliness is not the easiest thing for me. All the quiet leaves dead air. Dead air that I end up filling with ugly thoughts like "What about me?" and "If he's too busy for me then why should I try?"
And it made me start thinking. Am I just moonlighting as a wife?
When I last talked to The Honey (I believe it was a Wednesday in October) he told me a secret. He was recounting conversations he had had with some ladies he knew. He mentioned that in all the conversations he had with them, they had never mentioned their husbands. They talked about their jobs. They talked about their kids. They talked about their chiropractor appointment or the remodeling of their garage. But they never mentioned their husbands. To be fair, The Honey wasn't sure if they were even married. But it struck me. The husbands. They need to be spoken of.You see, for those of us who are mamas we are all facing this battle. This constant pull and tug to keep our attentions on our children. And for good reason. There are very few things that show the gospel as much as a mother caring for her young children. They are helpless and can do nothing to reciprocate the love and attention she gives to them. The midnight feedings, the temper tantrums, the potty training. All a one sided love. The gospel in real time.
And why do we do it? Because we love. We want these Apples of our Eye to grow up confident and sure and wise. We want them equipped to serve and succeed. Even if you are not a Christian, you are a parent. And as parents, we all want these things for our children. And for a while now we have fallen into the trap that tells us to pour our whole lives into our children. To give them everything of ourselves. And in the end they will see how special they are to us and channel that into being productive, thoughtful human beings.
And that, my friends, is where we have been led astray. We move parenting to our full time day job and begin moonlighting as wives.
I'm going to tread lightly here, but can I have your ear for a minute? When we pour our whole motivation for living into our children they will, in the end, believe that their whole motivation for living must be themselves. When our day is scheduled around serving and taking care of them, they might begin to believe that this life is all about them.
I know this is hard. And please please please don't think that I am saying we should put our children on the back burner. Quite the contrary. I am a fan of turning off the iphone and the FB and the blog and playing a game with our kids. Or reading a book together. Or learning more about their best friend. I think we should constantly be talking with our kids. Speaking truth to them. Giving wise counsel. Hearing their concerns and worries. It's a high calling to be a parent. And one that should be taken so seriously.
But women, can I say something to you for a minute? Let's not forget the husbands. I know you are pulled. I know dozens of people are needing things from you. Every day. All day. I know the paycheck has to be earned and the laundry has to washed and homework has to be checked. I know when nothing is scheduled on the calendar we still have to mow the yard and get the Christmas tree up and scrub the toilets. I know at the end of the day in the 10 minutes you have together it is difficult to hear him complain about another difficult coworker or the weather that just won't cooperate.
Loving in the loneliness...or the business...or the ordinary. That, too, is the gospel in real time. Because nothing preaches the gospel to our kids better than seeing two imperfect people loving each other. Giving of themselves to build the other up.
Do you want your children to feel secure? Then love their father. Do we want them to be forgiving? Then overlook his dirty underwear on the bedroom floor. Again. Do we want them to be selfless? Then have them watch as you tenderly dress his battle scars from a hard day on the front lines. I know. You've probably already checked out at this point. I know I probably sound archaic and repressed to some of you. And that's okay. Really. I don't expect everyone to agree with me on this. Because I know some of you are coming from another place. A husband that left. Or just as difficult, a husband that rejects and balks at love you've shown. I don't know those places. But I do know loving in the loneliness and the hopelessness and the ordinary. It's a hard love. One of grit and blood and tears. But it can be beautiful. And it can be the source of the joy and wisdom and security we have been wanting for our kids this whole time.
“You are the light of the world. A town built on a hill cannot be hidden. Neither do people light a lamp and put it under a bowl. Instead they put it on its stand, and it gives light to everyone in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."
Matthew 5:14-16
