I can't seem to get you off my mind.
I know we've never met and probably never will. But we share a similar story. Young kids in our prime. Big dreams, little worries.
And then life interrupts.
I was The One Behind The Wheel, too. And, I'm heartbroken to say, my circumstance resulted in a funeral as well.
Right now I hope you are surrounded by family and friends. I am thankful for the ones that surrounded me during that time. I am. Their presence created a soothing balm to my wounded soul and helped alleviate some of the horror of those days. But there were no cliches or comforting words that made it better. And time doesn't heal every wound.
I relived those moments leading up to and following my wreck a million times over the days and weeks and months that followed. There were moments I thought I was going crazy because I COULD NOT think about anything else. When I closed my eyes, every scene would replay in the theater of my memories. When I opened my eyes I had to deal with the reality of this life and death I was living.
Because the reality was these were dark days. I had to wrestle with incredibly heavy questions. Like why I lived and this man died? Why wasn't it the other way around? Why didn't I try to give him CPR instead of standing there screaming? What if I had swerved the other way or just left a few minutes earlier? And why did he have to die this way...so suddenly? Why couldn't he have had a chance to tell his family goodbye?
Mr. Davidson, the man I hit that day.....the man that died....he was just going out for a gallon of milk. I wonder if he got to kiss his wife goodbye that day. Or if he got to bounce his grand babies on his knee one last time. I hope he got to look his children in the eyes and tell them he loved them. I hope he was able to pray with a member of the church he preached at. I think about him all the time.
I wish I had answers to all these questions that swirl around my mind. I don't. Thirteen years later and I am still wrestling with the same Whys and What Ifs. But there are somethings I do know.
I know I have lived two different lives. My life before July 5, 2002, and my life after. Everything I see and do and experience is now seen through the prism of that day.
Every intersection I approach, I tighten my grip on the wheel. Every time someone slams on their breaks, my heart skips 5 beats. I sometimes feel paralyzed by the What Ifs. Thirteen years later, I am still paranoid when someone else is driving my kids around or when my husband is late from work.
But there is something about this second life of mine that is......better. Not necessarily happier (though I am happy now). But truer, more authentic. The emotions I feel now are more genuine. The love I feel for my family and friends isn't as shallow as it once was. I am keenly aware that encounters with people could be my last. So I say 'I love you' more. I give more generously. I pray. I pray a lot more.
And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Rom 8:38-39
