The Discomfort Zone

A few weeks ago I posted that we would be starting something new this school year called Classical Conversations.

Well, last week was our first day.

It went something like this:

I planned for weeks and made 1737 lists of what I needed to bring and do and make copies of and pray about and drill into my kids skulls.

The night before I bathed everyone by 4:30 pm and had them in bed by 7:00.  We are not accustomed to this thing called 'getting up early.'

The day of went smoothly.  Up by 6:00.  Breakfast.  Check.  Teeth.  Check.  Shoes.  Double check.

I like to believe we looked a little something like this heading out the door.

. 
And by the time we finished with our day my Yahoos had learned stuff.  And had fun.   Hua!

And me? 

I was pooped.  I am obviously not wired for this thing called 'real life' where women get up early every morning, have it all together, and go out into the world to do their hard work for 8-19 hours then come home to put a meatloaf on the dinner table. 

This woman seems to understand where I'm coming from.

But as tired as I was, I am so glad to be doing it.  My kids love it.  I love it.  The families there are wonderful.  This thing oozes with awesomeness.  I love awesomeness.

But I can tell you right now what I'm going to struggle with the most during this year.  The pursuit of excellence. 

I don't know about you, but I find myself only getting involved in things where I feel capable and confident.  But lately I have come to realize that if I selectively choose to spend my time and energies on areas that I feel I am already developed in, I am limiting myself.  Limiting my opportunity for growth and maturity. More importantly, I am limiting God's working in my life.  God's ultimate goal for me is not to make me look good. Quite the opposite.  God's design is to make much of Himself through my otherwise insignificant life.  He loves working contrary to the world's equation for success.  Scripture shows time and time again how God chose to use the outcast, disqualified, speech impaired, weak, ignorant, unimportant, and unskilled to display his glory.  Not THEIR glory.  His glory. 

Which makes me think of this:

Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe.  Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom,  but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles,  but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God.  For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength.
 Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth.  But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong.  God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption.  Therefore, as it is written:  Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.”

                        

 1 Corinthians 1:20-31

This thing is not about me y'all. 

God wants to work in us, through us.  I've just got to stop allowing God to use me only when it is convenient. Or when I think it might make me look good.   He must increase, I must decrease. 

So I'm praying I shift my thinking this year.  That I will be less task oriented and more relationship oriented.  Serving over striving.   To be less concerned about looking good and more about being good.  Even if that means getting out of my comfort zone. 

Keep Calm and Love On

I'm not sure why I blog.

At first I thought it was to write down the day to day happenings of our crazy clan so that I could remember who we were when I'm old and left all alone because all these kids that I've poured my life into have gone on and found new lives and new families and have forgotten all the countless hours I poured into them cooking and cleaning and praying and playing and only come home for Christmas every other year  rocking the grandbabies.

And then I thought it was for me.  To help etch in my brain the lessons and blessings God was working in my life.  A virtual altar to the Lord, if you will.

I've been thinking a lot about legacy lately.  I have these grandparents, for instance, that are pillars to this faith of mine.  And I want to tell and retell their stories down the generations.  Because people need to know them.  Even if they can't meet them in person.

And I want to tell our story.  This family's stories.

Even the crazy ones.

Like Baby asking everyone if they want him to moon them.  And then he does.  Even when they say no.

I didn't have a picture of him mooning.  You're welcome.  But I love a good fit-throwing picture. 

Or like that time we were all in the van and to reprimand Ninja someone for spraying the Febreeze in his brother's face, The Honey picks up his own bottle of Febreeze and starts shooting it at the culprit like it's an Uzi.  And all the time I'm on the phone to some poor soul who is having to listen to the blood curdling screams and me snapping my fingers in everyone face and mouthing 'You better cut that our right now or pray to the Baby Lord Jesus to rescue you.'

And maybe even the more serious ones.

 Like trying to answer the age old question to my 10 year old about how can God be all sovereign and all good even though he chooses to let our sweet Cocoa die. And sometimes a 'Trust and Obey' and holding him close to the chest while he falls apart is all I have to offer.

Or helping Little Middle find his place in this world.  Not the oldest.  Not the youngest.  Not the only girl.  Lost in the Little Middle.  Watching him struggle to feel important and set apart.  And all I have to offer is a 'You can do it' and 'You're loved in the most special way' and silent pleads of  'Love on him, Jesus.'

The more I write and read back through what I've written the more I realize how I rarely have answers to offer.  Life is sticky and complicated with a twist of belly laughs thrown in.  And I am just a simple minded girl.   Not wise according to this world's standards....or successful....or awesome.

No, I am certain my legacy won't be laced with profound answers to life's most philosophical problems, or a reputation that is above reproach, or speech that was always graceful. Or awesomeness.  All I can hope for, all I really aim for, is when people look back over the course of my life they will see that apparently Jesus is a friend of sinners, even this one.  And that he lavished me, ravaged me with His love to the point that all the days of my life I was able to keep calm and love on.

That's it. To love on.  When life is hard and the ones I love reject me....love on.  When the bank account is empty and there seems to be no help in sight....love on.  To those who have hurt me or are undeserving...love on. 

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.